Categories
Entertainment Faking Manipal

In a soaping Discovery, President Trump Discovers COVID-19 Cure!

Donald Trump literally shocks the entire world [No, not in a debate, C’mon]. According to sources, President of the United States (POTUS )and First Lady of the United States (FLOTUS) were recently tested positive for the novel COVID-19. Fortunately for all of us, the prayers worked and they really did a speedy recovery as they are both are now out of danger, safe and sound all thanks to the cure to the virus made up by our man Trump himself!
  How did POTUS make such an effective cure? Well unlike most of us, he decided to do something productive with the time he had during the quarantine. Apparently, all this while he has been experimenting with household items to find the cure (or at least, that’s what he claims). He really does believe in ‘Charity begins from home.’ He urged the public to not fear the Corona Virus, claiming it to be a hoax while making fun of his opponent in the presidential run, Joe Biden from the beginning for wearing a mask. Who knew he was working his master mind all this while?
 In a recent interview he was asked of how he managed to come up with such an effective cure single handed while teams of intellectual scientists couldn’t really do much as of now. Giving one of his famous smirk, the orange replied, “I started working by watching stand up comedies every night with his daughter Ivanka and wife Melania. Because you know, Laughter is the best medicine. Yeah, no, it didn’t work. The comedians really don’t just do it for me.”
Then he added, “I thought about Dawn, you know, while doing dishes. I experimented with it on Melanie. Had her sip a glass of Dawn with 2 spoons of water every two hours. Supposedly helps in cleaning the insides. It helps me a lot as well. After the 12 cans of Coke I have everyday, I really need it and it has helped me so far. And you know what, it is not a product from China!”
  In an Instagram live video, FLOTUS and POTUS spoke about how effective his little experiment turned out to be. “He is right you know, you don’t really need a mask. Go to your nearest stores, get yourself Dawn! With two spoons of water and a little faith you’re good as new.”
     After the live video, and the huge success of the Dawn cure, there is reportedly a huge demand for Dawn in states like Chicago, New York, California, New Jersey, Virginia, Texas and Pennsylvania. People have already started stocking up bottles of Dawn like they did with toilet papers at the start of lockdown.
    POTUS, being the dedicated President he is, will be back to work tomorrow according to the inside sources.
    In order to appreciate the efforts of POTUS, it is announced that there will be an applause ceremony where in people from all over the world would come out to the open grounds and clap without fear, for now, we have the cure! At least we’re free from Zoom calls. We can call this the “Dawn” of the Post COVID world!
P.S.: All the facts in this article are made up. But you already knew that. Didn’t you?

About the Author: The Author and Designer are first year students from from Manipal who can finally visit the campus for the first time soon, thanks to Trump’s cure. That’s all you need to know!

Categories
Faking Manipal

Manipalites shocked on seeing their favourite Momo Stalls replaced with Vada Pav sellers.

As a massive shock to the Manipal students returning to campus after a long lockdown which resulted in around only 17,000 new cases per day due to it’s successful implementation, all the Momo stalls in Manipal has been replaced with Vada Pav stalls. The students, most of whom came back to Manipal early on just because their parents at home were not allowing them to have any kind of street food as it is considered to be unsafe in the wake of COVID-19 are seemingly devastated.

 The move was taken up by local authorities to promote AtmaNirbharBharat after the Nepal border dispute started which had claimed the life of a civilian in Nepal-India border at Bihar, adding to the tensions between India and China. Upon being asked what is being done by the authorities about Boycotting China, the spokesperson showed us pictures of The Laughing Buddha being almost empty due to the low amount of students in the town on his brand new Redmi Note 9 Pro and stated that is enough damage for the Chinese.

The North-East Indian Vada Pav sellers refused to comment on this event but offered to sell us momos at a premium through their contact at the infamous “Sutta Point” inside the Manipal campus while the spokesperson and his cronies were busy stuffing their faces with Vada pav with extra green chutney.

Manipal No Mo

Sid, a 3rd year student of MIT who was tired of being sober at his home after his girlfriend dumped him through WhatsApp texts during lockdown 1.0 was available for comments since he returned to his Manipal flat months before his college is speculated to open. Upon being asked about his stance on the removal of this widely popular food item throughout Manipal, he replied “Hari Patte Aankhe Laal, Manipal Manipal” before disappearing at Sutta Point.

P.S.: All the facts in this article are made up. But you already knew that. Didn’t you?

About the Author: The author hails from the land of Maa, Maati, and Maanush. That’ll do for now ;P

Categories
Faking Manipal

MIT Student Couriered to Bangalore after found wearing Postal Stamp

In a first of its kind happening, a student of Manipal Institute of Technology, Manipal, was mailed to his hometown Bangalore by some of his friends via Speed post.

The Batch of 18 student was pleasantly surprised when he woke up and found himself at home, having slept through the entire journey.

The name of the student is withheld to assure some privacy is given to an already traumatised batch fo students, who will have to live with a postage stamp as a memory of their days at Manipal.

The trauma resulted following a design disaster, in which the batch T-shirt was made to look like a postage stamp without the name of the Institute. To make matters worse, the design has a picture of the lighthouse at Kaup which gives the appearance of someone showing the finger (as can be seen in the image below) to the entire batch!

Despite condemnation from all quarters, there were quite a few who supported the design of the T-shirt. One of them had this to say – “People have a lot of frustration in life of all kinds. Few will have anything valid to put forward except the same point of the connect again and again. And this looks a lot prettier than chappals and Yumit.”

There were quite a few enterprising entrepreneurs and opportunists who jumped in and offered to get new designs and hoodies for the batch.

PS:  We hope you do realise that this is a Satire site providing fake news.

Categories
Faking Manipal Featured

Students Banned From End Point Manipal after Major Fire

At approximately 6:30 pm  today a major fire broke out at End Point Manipal. Sources tell us that the fire spread from the collector office and was moving towards the cricket ground at the End Point. Various trees and shrubs have been burnt down.

“A dense smoke cloud drew my attention in the afternoon. I ran towards it to see what was happening! I realized that the fire had gone out of control and informed the authorities immediately! Good thing the fire did not break out after 12 in the night otherwise there would have been no students to warn about it!” said Tanmay Bhat, an exceptionally handsome guy who was participating in Tarang 2015, a kite flying festival organised by Volunteer Services Organisation – Manipal University.

Dr. Ravan Changi, a resident of one of the many apartments that have mushroomed around End Point Manipal, sent us photos of the destruction of End Point as it happened. He said, “I was worried, I will not be able to go and study there at 2 am, as I was doing for so many days.” We had to remind him that, it was not possible any way as Students have been banned from going out after 11:30 pm in Manipal.End Point Fire Manipal

The swift action by the authorities is the reason the fire was controlled in time before the entire End Point was engulfed in flames.

“The fire could not have been controlled this effectively without the help of the  Mr DoodhMalai of the Udupi police force”, said a high-ranking MU official who doesn’t want to be named.

Mr Doodhmalai, an experienced firefighter himself, said “This was nothing! It was child’s play for me! I have an injection for every disease you see!”

We all thank Mr. Doodhmalai for his blessings on Manipal University! End Point Fire
As a result of this havoc, students have been banned into entering the End Point campus in the coming future. Many students have tried to raise concerns about the ban but the officials have assured them that this step is essential for their own safety.

So what if you can’t enjoy the End Point anymore. You will be safe. And that is what matters at the end of the day.

P.S.: All the facts in this article are made up. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Co-authored by Dr. Vishaal Bhat.

The pictures above are real. 
The fire was a controlled one to clear away the wild bushes and shrubs that allow 
breeding of insects and cause problems to the local residents.

Categories
Faking Manipal Featured

Manipal Students Celebrate Holi with Festive Fervour

In what can only be the enterprising nature of students at Manipal, we at Manipal Blog have learnt that the festival of Holi was celebrated with great vigour in this University town tonight.

While the rest of the country was busy lighting diyas and bursting crackers, students in this two-square-mile town had nothing to do with it. The Manipal University had decided to do away with the annual fireworks show and celebrate a “Green Diwali”. They even chopped down a couple of trees near the Tiger Circle, to show how serious they were of celebrating a Green Diwali.

Heeding the call of the University, students did not burst a single cracker this year, and instead played Holi. The gods must have been please with the students this year as there was a continuous downpour of happy tears from the skies. There were a lot of selfie moments as well, what with the Thunder and Lightning show that began just as the festivities started.

The downpour continued till late at night and as this article is being typed, the lightning continues to appear in the western skies over this town.

A student of MIT Manipal, got on to twitter to complain that this year the Hostels have been very quiet and this has disturbed him a lot. Every year he was used to loud sounds in the corridors, exploding dustbins and broken windows, however, this year it has been awfully quiet. Being an engineering student this has made him lose faith in humanity.

Meanwhile, shops at Manipal and Udupi which wanted to sell crackers were taken by surprise when more and more students asked them for colors to spray on their friends.

P.S.: All the facts in this article are made up. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

 

Categories
Faking Manipal Featured

D-block MIT Hostels to be named after Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella

MIT Manipal will now have a hostel block named after its stalwart alumnus and CEO of Microsoft, Satya Nadella. D-block, where Nadella stayed during his time in the college, will receive this honor.

The development was released to media by Registrar of Manipal University. “Manipal University is proud of its alumnus Satya Nadella. As a token of gratitude, we decided to name the hostel block where he stayed after him. We take this opportunity to once again wish him all the best in his future endeavors,” he said in a press note.

Anticipating high demand for D-block, MIT management have decided to charge a premium on the hostel fee. If the demand is still high, then they will allot the rooms via auction.

A Glimpse of D-block, MIT Hostels
A Glimpse of D-block, MIT Hostels

Adding ‘Computers-IT’ touch to it, D-block MIT Hostels will now be officially called DNS (D-Nadella-Satya) when referred in short form.

The inmates of D-block MIT Hostels will get free Windows 8.1 OS and 14.3 GB of free storage on Microsoft cloud computing platform Azure. Also they will provided with Xbox console in a common room to play games.

MIT doesn’t have the culture of naming the hostel blocks after people. We are not sure if they made an exception in this case or starting a new trend.

P.S.: All the facts in this article are made up. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Categories
Faking Manipal Featured

Manchester United Manipal Fans In MIT Allotted Separate Hostel Block

In a controversial move, the management of MIT hostels decided to put up all Manchester United Manipal Fans in a separate block. The announcement regarding this has come out today after a high-level meeting among the officials of the college.

Explaining the reasons for the decision, chief warden of MIT hostels said, “Over the past few years, we have received complaints from students about the unacceptable conduct of Manchester United Manipal Fans in hostels, especially TV rooms. We didn’t take it seriously initially but as the complaints poured in large numbers, we had to take some action. We appointed some spies and based on their report we decided to put up Manchester United Manipal Fans in one single hostel block. This is done in the interest of all the students and it shouldn’t be seen as discrimination.”

Manchester United Building
How the new hostel block at MIT Manipal may end up looking like. The Hostel block is likely to be constructed closer to Agumbe.

However first year Man U fans won’t have to stay in the separate block.

Fans of other football clubs are elated over the move. “Good riddance!! We can watch soccer matches in peace now,” said Lionel Rossi, a student who stays in 14th block. He added, “The freshies this year should consider themselves lucky. We had to put up with these people when Man U were winning.”

Another student Tittier Trogba recollected the horror experiences with a Man U fan. “My roommate who is my best friend otherwise tore the poster of Chelsea in my first year. He’s also responsible for pain in my ear when he once shouted GLORY GLORY MANCHESTER UNITED in sleep. I will miss him but he is better put up in that separate block.”

But Man U fans seem to be quite chilled out with the move. “Thank you MIT for providing the exclusivity factor for us Man U fans. Can’t ask for more,” opined a Man U who is wearing the team jersey. Two other fans also expressed similar opinion.

As per sources, the block will be called GGMU block and it will be painted in red. Efforts are in progress to accommodate KKR fans in the same block as well.

P.S. The facts mentioned in this article are fictitious. But you already know that. Didn’t you?

Categories
Faking Manipal Featured

Manipal Student Doesn’t Lose Umbrella For 3 Weeks During Monsoon!

Gaurav Kode, a student at Kasturba Medical College, Manipal has just come out with a startling piece of information. He has claimed to not have lost his umbrella during the three weeks of Monsoon this year.

This in Manipal, where Umbrellas are lost in the blink of the eye, especially during the rainy season that lasts from June to October and sometimes beyond that. The national game of Manipal, is named after this particular process. Mr. Kode has claimed that this is the first time in 3 years he’s stayed at Manipal, that he hasn’t needed to buy an umbrella every week (further prodding he changed that to “borrowing” a new umbrella every week).

Quintessential Manipal - The Umbrellas tell the story of the Monsoons at Manipal! Colorful and Ubiquitous
Quintessential Manipal – The Umbrellas tell the story of the Monsoons at Manipal! Colorful and Ubiquitous. However, this year they are conspicuous by their absence.

There have been reports from other students that people are not playing the Umbrella exchange game this year with the same gusto like the earlier years.

Meanwhile, Umbrella sales have taken a hit this year.

The store keeper at a major Manipal Store near tiger circle confirmed the same when we enquired about it. However, he refused to blame the poor monsoons for the fall in umbrella sales. He said that even during summer, they have sold more umbrellas this year.

In earlier years, the pre-monsoon months were marked by the high-decibel innovative advertisements of new umbrella products, mainly for schoolkids, rolled out by competing companies. But this time, Mr. Modi paid the media to carry his own advertisements and in that process we lost out.

He said, “Each year, rain or no rain, we used to sell a lot of umbrellas. However, this year, students have become smart. They’ve read and listened to news and weather reports. This interest in news was generated by one man – the current PM of India. If it weren’t for Mr. Modi, students would have carried umbrellas to the library, thinking that it would rain.”

Another shopkeeper in Udupi added, we used to sell umbrellas to students in Manipal, because of some game they used to play, called the umbrella exchange. This year they are following the world cup football in the comforts of their homes. That is the main reason we’ve lost business.

Whatever the reason, If this trend holds, Umbrellas may be a thing of the past in Rainy Manipal!

P.S. The facts mentioned in this article are fictitious. But you already know that. Didn’t you?

 

Categories
Faking Manipal Featured

Manipal University Finally Gets Recognition From Sharma Aunty; Erupts In Joy

Riding high on the recent success of its alumni Satya Nadella and Rajeev Suri in the corporate world, Manipal University today added another feather in its cap by getting much-coveted recognition from Sharma Aunty. This historic moment took place at Chandni Chowk during an afternoon banter of a group of aunties.

Ketan Bhagat, a third year student from MIT Manipal, was asked by Sharma aunty in the colony about his college. When he said ‘Manipal Institute of Technology, Manipal University’, he saw awe and admiration in her eyes. She then asked, “Woh CEO wala college na?”

Ketan, who was used to responses like ‘drugs wala college’, ‘donation college’ ‘Sikkim wala college’ etc. so far, was left speechless for a while. He was even more surprised when Sharma aunty knew the exact location of Manipal University and proceeded to demonstrate it on the map of India.

Sharma aunty finally recognises Manipal University.
Sharma aunty finally recognises Manipal University.  
P.S. We apologise for the resemblance of Sharma aunty with a prominent Member of Parliament. This is absolutely co-incidental.

He immediately called up  Manipal University and broke the news to them. The public relations officer of Manipal University then convened a press conference and announced this recognition to whoever was listening in the world.

“We humbly accept this recognition from Sharma aunty. It is a great moment for us. This wouldn’t have been possible without the hard work of our students and staff. I dedicate this honor to the Manipal University family. I also use this occasion to convey my special thanks to our alumni Satya Nadella and Rajeev Suri who brought laurels to Manipal University recently,” he said in the press conference.

As soon as the news came out, thousands of students took to streets to celebrate this unique achievement. ManipalBlog managed to speak to one such student Virat Kohli in the boisterous crowd. He screamed, ” THANK YOU, SHARMA AUNTY. YOUR RECOGNITION IS A TIGHT SLAP TO MY F**** NEIGHBOUR GUPTA UNCLE!!”

Reportedly, DeeTee and Blue Waters have announced free drinks today marking the occasion. The laundry walas are offering free laundry for a week and the dobermen have decided to celebrate by being more uncooperative with the students.

P.S.: All the facts in this article are made up. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Categories
Faking Manipal Featured

Move Over Suri, Nadella; Manipal Leopard Now Named CEO of Mangalore Zoo

After Satya Nadella and Rajeev Suri, it is the Manipal Leopard that puts the town in news. Manipal leopard, which was caputured in the town a few days back, was appointed as CEO of Pilikula Zoo, Mangalore. The big cat was taken to Pilikula Zoo after it was captured and since then impressed the zoo authorities with its conduct.

The elevation to the role of CEO didn’t come easy for the leopard. It had a tough competitor in another leopard that was captured in IIT Bombay and brought to the same zoo.Leopard Manipal

Both of them conducted themselves extremely well but what titled the dice in Manipal Leopard’s favor is its survival in Manipal forest for two months evading the threat from Manipal Bug. In fact, it made a deal with the insect and lived with it in harmony before it got captured.

“I liked its survival instincts. It also has excellent managerial skills and maintains good relations with other animals in the zoo. I am sure it will not disappoint me in its new role as CEO,” said Prakash Shetty, president of Pilikula Zoo.

Manipalblog contacted the Leopard via email. It has credited Manipal for what it is today.

“Manipal was the best time I ever had in life. A great place with wonderful people and fantastic memories. Those beautiful gardens at End Point, Potato Lovers at Snackshack and KMC Greens… I miss them. Without my stint at Manipal, I wouldn’t have been the CEO today,” said the Leopard.

Students of Manipal were visibly elated at the news. A huge flex poster was put up at End Point congratulating the leopard on its success. Also they named the junction at End Point after the leopard calling it ‘Leopard Circle’.

The immediate task for the Leopard in its new role is to increase the number of tigers in the zoo. We hope the leopard achieves its target and lives up to expectations.

P.S.: All the facts in this article are made up. But you already knew that. Didn’t you?